Let’s face it, we’ve all been there. A hotel bar with the bare minimum available. A buddy’s house with slim pickings. A beach vacation suffering from frozen drink-itis. In these rough situations, a light lager is often the fallback option, begrudgingly. Well friends, I’m here to tell you that it’s time to cut some slack on our old friend the light lager. I’m about to prove to you the impossible: that there is in fact a time and a place where the light lager is THE beer of choice. Before you throw up in your mouth, please bear with me and hear me out. In fact I can think of 7 scenarios where “Miles Away from Ordinary” isn’t just a crappy marketing gimmick but in fact a justifiable slogan worth saluting.
Introducing: The 7 Degrees of Light Lager Usage
Digging trenches, planting bushes, filthy dirty, and shoveling shit in 90 degree weather. If you find yourself in this situation, you’ll desperately want to chug a beer. Or if you hired someone to do it, you’ll probably feel bad enough for the person to offer him a beer. You don’t care what it is, how it’s made, what the IBU’s are, and what the alcohol percentage is. You just want it cold and you want it fast, just get in my belly. In this situation, do you really want to waste a St. Bernardus? That’s what I thought. A rare situation where a light lager goes down smooth. Here’s to the new phrase: “Light Lager: perfect for when you are shoveling shit”!
6. Beer Pong
10 used plastic backwash-filled cups per team, 1-2 full beers poured into them, dirty ping pong balls, and pure frat-like drunkenness. Sounds like a perfect use of your Bourbon County stash you’ve been saving, right? HELL NO! You should never waste good beer on beer pong, in fact you should have your beer card confiscated if you even contemplate this. The point of playing beer pong is to talk trash, and get your opponent hammered as you relive your little league days. A light lager is the perfect choice for this. If it spills, oh well, even better that’s less to chug. Save the good stuff for the after party.
5. Bar Crowd Diversion
Hot, sweaty, crowded, and nowhere to stand. That’s a very typical happy hour bar scene throughout the country. If only there was a way to clear some space. Well friends, light lager is here to the rescue. I give you the following steps towards crowded bar enlightenment:
- Make your way to the bar;
- Purchase a light lager and a Craft Beer of your choice;
- Scope out a spot in the bar where you’d like to stand or sit with your buddies;
- Take aforementioned Corona, hold it high and let it smash it on the ground;
- Wait for people will clear out like sheep;
- Stake your claim to your hang out spot and enjoy your craft beer.
All thanks to that great light lager!
4. In-laws or other Unwanted Guests
Christmas may be the time for giving, but it’s also the time your annoying inlaws or other unwanted guests drop by. And like any good host, you are obligated to offer a beer. But how frustrating is it when you offer a Pliny the Elder to a Beer Idiot, only to see them either: a) grim and bear it with disgust while complaining it’s too hoppy; b) “accidentally” knock it over so they can get something different: or c) leave it way in the back of your bookshelf un-drank and soon to be skunked. Well in these situations you should always have an emergency case of light lager. To the Beer Idiot, that’s a pretty nice beer gesture. And in exchange you get to keep your own craft beer. Aren’t holidays grand!
3. The Bait and Switch
In line with the Christmas or holiday party theme, there is nothing worse than showing up with a bottle of Founders KBS only to see it opened and wasted by those that are Mentally Beer Challenged. Or worse, watching a cheap ass Beer Geek snag that beer and horde it all party without offering anything in return. Well, I’m not hear to condone the following strategy. But if you are certain to find yourself in this situation, then by George if you can’t beat them, then join them. Show up with a 12-pack of a light lager, throw it in the cooler, and then scan the environment for a beer upgrade. Hone in on your target, pull the bait and switch, and enjoy the fruits of your shadiness! Light lager, the gift that keeps on giving!
2. Round on the House!
Here’s an interesting bar situation for you to contemplate that you may one day find yourself in: you’ve either come into money, or you are celebrating great news, or you are just drunk off your ass (most likely scenario), and you suddenly feel the need to buy a round of beers for a large group of folks. If the group of folks are Beer Afficinado’s then it’s best to step it up with some good craft beer, like a round of Parabola. But, if you’re with Beer Morons, then once again why waste such luscious treats on those that don’t appreciate it. It’s like buying Filet Mignon for your dog. They will just gulp it down and shit it out without any idea how fricking amazing it was. Think about it. Next time your are ordering a round, understand your audience and if warranted, choose a light lager!
1. Television Commercial Acting Opportunity
There is truly one situation where I would absolutely hands down choose a light lager above all other beers: If you somehow find yourself in an Audition to be the guy that sits on a beach chair at the ocean next to a hot ass Sofia Vergara looking chick, whereby you’ll be asked to reach across, hold her hand and toast a light lager. Ask yourself, would I sign up for that? HELLS FRICKIN YEAH you would! I am a craft beer enthusiast, but you have to be an idiot to turn that down! In this extremely unlikely situation, bring on the light lager. Viva los Light Lagers!
So there you have it my friends, I have just magically proven there are justifiably 7 Degrees of Light Lager Usage. Next time you are called a beer snob, give a nod to the commoners and pick up a light lager 6-pack. You just never know when you might need it!